Drabble: Your Presence Still Lingers Here
by gilbertpenis
Summary: AU: It's the day of Elena Gilbert's graduation. While it's a happy day for everyone else, she can't seem to block out the thoughts of all the people that didn't make it.


Waking up to the delightful tune of an annoying alarm, Elena forced herself to open her eyes. For a second, she assumed it was a normal day. She sat up and glanced at her phone as it lit up. She saw a text from Caroline, excitedly reminding her that today was their graduation. Elena texted back with fake enthusiasm. Today was going to be one of the hardest days since Jeremy died.

She got out of bed and walked over to her mirror. She took a deep breath as she began to brush her hair. She was trying to force herself to go today. She knew she had to attend, but she didn't want to at all. All she wanted to do was lay in bed and shut out the world, as she wanted to do on so many days, but she couldn't. She had to get up every day, paint a smile on and act as if nothing was bothering her. _I will be brave. I will not let anyone see I'm not okay. I'll smile politely and I will tell people I'm fine. I'll thank them for asking and then they can move on and forget their concerns about me. I won't let them worry,_ she thought to herself. That had become a daily thing. She would say something along the lines of that to herself each day. She had to remind herself, she had to keep saying it until she didn't have to try. Until it became easy for her to act okay. She knew it would take a lot of drilling.

* * *

Elena looked in the mirror once more. She smiled to her reflection. She'd read somewhere that smiling cheered one up, and she knew there was no harm in trying. However, she soon felt ridiculous and her smile faded. She knew that was a very Caroline thing to do, and she wasn't Caroline. As if thinking of her made her appear, Elena heard the beep of Caroline's car horn. The brunette looked out of the window and shook her head, smiling fondly as she saw Caroline's enthusiastic smile and decorated car. It had a red streamer across the hood, saying 'Happy Graduation!'. Elena moved from the window and walked downstairs. She grabbed her keys and then walked out of the door, before climbing into Caroline's car.

"Are you excited?" Caroline asked, her tone as bright as her smile.

"Yeah." Elena nodded. Caroline frowned slightly.

"Elena, come on. Be happy. We're graduating today. We've got the whole world at our vampire feet."

"I know. Maybe I would have been excited a few years ago, but now… It's just reminding me of everyone that didn't make it."

"I know there are a lot of people that you would have liked to be here that aren't, but we all have that. I would have loved for my dad to be here, but… That can't happen." Caroline sighed softly, before continuing, "We'll get through it together. An orphan and a semi-orphan, taking on the world." Caroline smiled, trying her hardest to cheer Elena up. The brunette smiled a small smile and nodded.

"An orphan and a semi-orphan taking on the world." She confirmed.

* * *

As the headmaster began handing out graduation scrolls, Elena stood on stage, waiting for her name to be called. She knew her name wouldn't be called too near to last, because the names were being called in alphabetical order. She was waiting patiently, trying not to think too much. She knew that when she did, she would think of things she didn't want to think of. She'd think of her parents, of Jenna and Ric, and of Jeremy. She couldn't bring herself to think of Jeremy. She'd tried to avoid thinking of him whenever possible. She knew it was too hard to think of his death. He was 16 and he was so cruelly taken away from the world. He didn't deserve to die and the thought of it killed her inside. She knew that she could have saved him. If she'd fought Katherine off, or gotten there faster, her little brother would still be alive. He'd be here, cheering for her as she accepted her scroll. But he wasn't and she detested that. She forced herself to stop thinking about this. She couldn't cry. Not today. She was sick of it. Of crying, of being the one everyone always worried about. She heard her name being called and she began to walk towards the podium. She smiled politely and shook her headmaster's hand as he handed her a scroll and congratulated her. She looked out to the audience and smiled. She saw her parents with Jeremy. Her father beaming proudly at her as he clapped his hands hard. Her mother trying to hold back the tears and barely managing, like she was barely managing to hold back the wide, proud that was spreading across her face. Jeremy was there, grinning to her and raising his eyebrow to her once. Jenna was standing next to Elena's parents. She hit Jeremy's arm gently as he got his phone out. She rolled her eyes and looked back up at Elena, giving her an impressed smile as Ric kissed her cheek. His arm was wrapped around her waist as he smiled up at her. Elena blinked once, and regretted it instantly. Her family was gone. She was looking at a sea of strangers, friendly smiles that didn't mean anything to her. It hit her then. They were gone. They were all dead. Her family was gone and they wouldn't ever come back. Her eyes grew misty as this sunk in. As she felt tears begin to gather in her eyes, she blinked a few times and then left the stage quickly, going to sit back down next to Bonnie. She was using all of her strength not to burst into tears. She felt Bonnie take her hand and she turned her head to her friend's. She smiled weakly, before turning her head back to the front and allowing her gaze to drift back down to the floor. _I will be brave. I will not let anyone see I'm not okay. I'll smile politely and I will tell people I'm fine. I'll thank them for asking and then they can move on and forget their concerns about me. I won't let them worry, _she told herself. But now she was struggling to believe she would ever be able to drill it into her head.

* * *

Elena sat on her bed and looked around her bedroom. She stood up and sauntered over to her mirror. She looked at the pictures stuck on the side of the mirror. There was one of her parents and her when she was younger, before Jeremy was born. The next one was of Elena and Jeremy when they were younger. She had her arms wrapped around him as he tried to push her away. She remembered that. She wanted to pose for a picture with her baby brother, and he wanted to go and play in the sandpit with his friends. Elena felt herself tear up once more. She looked at another picture. It was of her when she was a toddler. She wondered how that innocent little girl who had so many chances had grown into this woman. A vampire, one that was completely broken, who had lost everyone. She longed to be that little girl again. To not know what it was like to lose people that just can't be replaced. That little girl didn't know of the horrors of the world, or how evil and cruel people could be. She was innocent and naive. She believed in good and magic. As ironic as it seemed, Elena struggled to believe in any magic anymore. There was just darkness and loss and pain. It was all building up inside of her and all she wanted to do was scream. But she couldn't. She wouldn't.

Elena walked back over to her bed. She laid in it and switched her light off. She closed her eyes and laid down.

_I will be brave. I will not let anyone see I'm not okay. I'll smile politely and I will tell people I'm fine. I'll thank them for asking and then they can move on and forget their concerns about me. I won't let them worry. I can't._


End file.
